Waiting to grow up

When I was a young kid, before I was eight, my father was the biggest, bestest person in the world. He was my hero, everything I looked up to and wanted to be - he was a man. Then, tragically, he died in a car accident. It was, of course, very hard on me. But, moving on from the saddness, I've noticed some things.

Even though I got older, grew up and learned more about life and all that, my dad never did get any older, he was frozen in time - by my perception - and for me, he was that "ideal" person and he will be, forever. Is that good or bad, I think it can be both. A lot of people grow up and realize that their parents aren't the superheros who can do anything and who know everything - my dad still is. I never had a falling out or anything like that - every memory I have is a positive one (even the time I got spanked, because I knew I had done wrong). So, even as I grow up and get older and, theoretically, wiser, my dad is always better, he is near perfect - someone I strive to be. I know I can never achieve an ideal that exists only in a 7 year old's perception, but I can try.

Would my dad be proud of all I've done up til now? No, probably not, just like I'm not. But would he understand? Absolutely. He's been there and done that. Would he have told me not to do thing because he knew they would be bad for me? Probably. And I probably still would have done them. Its hard to learn from other's mistakes because we always think it'll be different for us. Usually its not. I think that is part of the frustration that parents have as their kids grow up, knowing that the kid will eventually regret what they are doing, but being unable to convince them of the fact and probably even being shunned because of it. Most people usually need to learn things for themselves, the hard way.

But, back to my point. Recently, I've run into a paradox with my dad. He will always be older and wiser; however, back in September of this year, I became older than him. So now, I have lived longer, experienced more (theoretically), but he is still older and wiser (in my mind). It's a strange feeling to be older than your parent.

And now, looking back, I KNOW that my dad was a man when he was my age - it was without question and I'd laugh if anyone said that he might not feel the same way. But, here I am, older than he and I wonder sometimes whether or not I've grown up. All the evidence would point to my indeed having become a man at some point in the past 30 years: I have 5 kids, a decent job, a college education, I've been to combat, been shot at, and someone has tried to blow me up a couple of times, and all my bosses say I do a great job. So, I think the evidence would point to my having become a man at some point in there. I just don't feel it. I feel like a kid still - waiting to grow up. And, like a kid, I blame my dad. =)